Compilation of Poetry

By Cara E. Ruegg

Here is a compilation of poetry I've written over the years, some when I was in the convent and some after I left. 

CaraRuegg Photography

The poem below I wrote for a University assignment in the convent. It was around this time that I was struggling to let go of the thought of a child of my own. I was trying desperately to cling to the idea of my spiritual children since, as we know, all women are called to be mothers even those in the convent. The one thing that really hurt me though was the thought that while they were my spiritual children, I was not really known to them as a mother, which, though wholly natural, did hurt me. The life of a Sister requires you supernaturalize your love and, of course, with God's help you certainly can, but it is at times a great struggle when you still have a weak, human nature. 

A mother of the world. I kneel. The rain drips down the glass.

A mother of the world. Unknown.  The children outside laugh.

“Sister,” Johnny says, as he opens the door,

Brown curls, brown eyes, an elfish grin,

“Will you teach us tomorrow? Will you teach us next year?”

The door slams shut. Another year begins. 

The chapel, cold, damp. Rain still falling fast. 

A mother of the world, I am. There one year, gone the next. 

My hands, folded in prayer. They are soft and young

But soon they will be old.

Lines will carve a thousand stories into my skin.

I will not have just one or two, not five, not six, not twelve

But thousands, thousands of little souls to call my own

But still unknown

Unknown to them. 

Little Johnny was sad one day. His brown eyes wouldn’t dare

To look up at me when I asked, 

“What’s wrong?”

But when we went outside

Into a day that was dry and warm

I threw him the ball,

I asked him to play. 

He smiled. 

A mother of the world. I pray

For everyone that has or will or does exist

I press them all to my small heart

The lonely, the happy, the good and the bad

The homeless, imprisoned, the innocent, the evil

They are mine

Because they are His.

My eyes burn. I am tired. 

Papers still sit on my desk

But I am lost in prayer

Before Him

With Him

Today, I got word

Little Johnny is sick

He can’t speak

He can’t stand

He’s dying. 

I am a mother of the world. But I am here.

Little Johnny is in bed. He is quiet. 

I storm heaven. I beg my Spouse

Save Him!

But all is quiet. There is nothing.

I am alone. 

I am not with him.

The little card he wrote me

Is there on the pew.

“Thank you, Sister, for your prayers.

I wrote the seminary yesterday.

They did say ‘yes’, just like you said.

I promise, Sister, when I’m a priest

My first Mass will be for you.”

A mother of the world. A mother of this boy

Grown up.

A mother of little Johnny, lying in bed

The covers wrapped around him.

He gasps. Those hands, not yet blessed,

No oil on them yet. 

No chance to say that Mass.

He’s dying.

“I care too much, I know.

This little boy is not my own

Not like he is his mother’s

Or father’s

Or Yours, 

Oh, but God, I care so much

Still.”

The wind blows through the windows.

Rain falls upon me like blood from the hyssop.

I breathe in. I breathe out.

My lungs feel tight and swollen. 

I am a mother of the world.

I carry them all on my heart

Theirs burdens are my burdens

I stretch out my hands

To take their crosses

It is heavy. So heavy. 

But I am their mother

And I love them

I love little Johnny

Lying in his bed

Who is no longer little,

No longer that boy 

I had to remind a million times

“Be quiet. Listen.”

No longer the little boy

With freckles dancing on his nose

Who used to smile at me

When I came near

To check his work.

I love little Johnny,

Grown up

With that cassock

Folded in his drawers,

Waiting for him to recover,

To button up those buttons

And fasten the white collar.

But he doesn’t know

I’m the other mother

Sitting in the chapel

Praying, praying, praying,

Begging that God who has stolen

Both our hearts.

He doesn’t know that I know

That he is ill, that he is dying. 

He doesn’t know that I remember

The last day of Grade Five

He was standing on the cobblestones

Rubbing eyes that would not dry.

“I’m fine,” he told his buddies,

when they laughed at this boy

who was always so tough,

laughing and goofing and never caring

it seemed.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Muttered words. Heavy and hard.

“Nothing.”

“I don’t believe you.”

I knelt down,

Letting my habit touch

The hard stone

And hide it.

“I’ll miss you, Sister,

so much.”

Wet tears on red cheeks.

I wiped a single one and smiled.

“Do you think I’ll forget you?”

He shrugged.

“I’ll never forget you.”

A mother of the world. Remembering them all.

Caring, loving, gathering them into her arms,

And praying without their knowing.

“Dear God, 

In Your hands. In Your heart.

Your will be done, not mine, 

Not his, not his Mum’s or his Pa’s,

But Yours.”

The rain stopped its crying.

Sun shone through the window,

Touching my pale hands

That were not wet with my tears

And I knew. I knew.

He now knew in heaven. 

--------

The next poem is not directly related to me, more my thoughts on death and loss. I believe around this time my Morfa passed away. He had been suffering from alzheimer's. 

If I forget him

Will this pain cease?

If in my mind

His smile fades

And his laughter stops

Will my heart

Still remember

Will it still hurt?

If my fingers forget

Why they’re trembling

My eyes forget

Why they’re crying

And my feet forget

The grave beneath?

Will my heart

Stopping hurting

If the memories cease

And I no longer know

The name on the stone

Is my son’s?

-------

Sitting next to you

So close I can feel the warmth of your hands

I can feel the vibrations of you breathing

So close without touching

Do you miss me too?

Do you remember?

Right here, next to me

I could touch you

Hold your hand

But I forget the worlds

The lost memories that stand between us

They are there

These awful stonewalls

These taunting figures

Cracked glass

I peer into your image

I try to reach it 

I can’t.

My fingers bleed

Each time I try.

Please, don’t you remember?

Don’t you miss me too?

Sitting here beside you,

I pray for a smile,

A single glance

But I am dead to you

Buried beneath dirt

So far down my name has vanished.

You are right here

But you are not the same

You are not you

Am I me?

You cough, then look at me

Dead eyes meet mine

My face means nothing to you

You cannot recognize

The dimples, the freckles

The crooked nose

You cough; your gaze turns

And I sit here, facing the wall

Without you, beside you

So near and so far

------

This poem was written before leaving the convent. I was considering my students here.

Goodbye.

I cannot say it.

You should not know.

These words so bitter

Swallowed down a throat

That’s sore.

It’s a secret

My going

Hidden in the cracks

Can’t say it to anyone

Not even myself

The suitcase isn’t packed

Things lie in all the same places

Can I really do this?

This life I’ve known so long

What I left behind before

Is now foreign

These people that do not share my blood

I’ll miss them.

I watch you, sitting there

Freckles dancing on your nose

You do not think I’ll ever leave

You smile.

Goodbye

The words are silent

I cannot say them

You should not know

I’m supposed to disappear

Like I never was here

Another Sister to take my class

Dressed the same

Will you notice?

I take a breath

Listen to you talk

Telling me your little stories

Will you be mad if I keep silent?

Will it hurt more if I speak?

No one’s ever said goodbye

They’re just replaced

And nobody asks

Where they’ve gone

The students continue

As if nothing’s changed

This new Sister is nearly

Just the same

It seems a scandal to speak

To say ‘goodbye

I’m leaving

Don’t know where I’m going

Or if I’m making a mistake

Don’t know what I’m doing

If I’ll even really leave’

Goodbye 

Little one

I’ll miss you so much

You do not know

How much

And I can’t say

Can’t say a word

Can’t say

Goodbye

------

I put time on hold

But only in my little world

To go searching for God

See what He wills

Spoke farewell to loved ones

Packed up my old clothes

Got dressed as His bride

And lived this new life

Now, I sit and wonder

Was I wrong all along?

Were those who doubted

Really right

Can I give up it all?

But the world is not the same

Friends have married

People have changed

My world was on hold

But outside, everything has moved

Drifted and soared

Away.

And am I the same?

Will those friends I once laughed with

Will they still care?

Will I find their jokes funny

Their laughter so sweet?

Will their worldly air bore me

Now that I’ve spent so much time

Here?

I’ll have to start over

All over again

And I’m scared.

---

Ice cream and plastic cups

Sitting on your bed

And laughing

We were young

So very young

Too young to worry

About the world

What our futures held

It was so far away

Time could still wait then.

Can time wait now?

The clock keeps ticking

Numbers fly on by

Doesn’t seem so different

The world. Me. You.

But have we changed

Unnoticed?

Under our little noses

Are we really growing old?

Fingers race across the table

They dance and sway

And then they freeze

Are we wasting time

You and I

Staying young

As the world keeps moving?

I see no wrinkles on my face

No lines to tell a story

Don’t believe they’ll ever appear

You tell me do not worry.

The crossroads come closer

They stare at me with dark eyes

Can I stay in between them forever

Not choosing where my future lies?

Where will you go

And should I go there too?

What does God want

Can He be heard in the dark?

Hello?

You are not here with me

To help me decide

Long ago I left you

Far, far behind

Maybe you grew up

In the meantime

As I stayed young

And pretended time

Could not really move

Perhaps you have chosen

Your way

I would not know

You hardly write

I know it was my fault

I chose a road

You could not follow

Your health was poor

And mine was not

His bride to take

I thought I was.

But am I?

Before

A child of my own

I could give up

The excitement of something new

Something noble

Made me tread fearlessly on

But now I am here

And I wonder

Am I going the right way?

The path has become rugged

And I worry

I was never actually called

Stubborn as a mule

I kept going

Not turning around 

Even when the floods came

I said I could do this

I will do this

God is worth more than the pain

The sting of loneliness

The darkened clouds

But now I question

The other way

Have I been turning a deaf ear

To what He’s really been asking?

----

Some thoughts after leaving the convent, which show just some of my struggles.

I’ve left those cloistered walls

Those silent reveries

I’ve left the quick-lived laughter,

The calm simplicity

I’m in the world

The noise pulses through my fingers

Cars roar and music blasts

So many are talking, 

I can’t follow a line

The trees sway above me

Even here it is noisy

My thoughts are wandering

They cannot forget

All of the gossip

The silly conversations

Those stupid things

I would’ve found pointless

There.

I fall to my knees

I try to find silence

“Stop it, please stop it

Stupid little head.”

Dear God

In your presence

Amidst all this static

I kneel

My eyes have been staring

Too long at the computer

My feet have been walking

Too encircled to disappear.

Dear God

Can you still hear me

Am I still important

Even though I’ve left the habit

For this everyday outfit

Let my plain face be painted

Red lips and dark eyelashes

Do you still care

Even though I’ve gone back

To what I sacrificed before

Even though I let the plough fall

To the hard, dirt floor

And returned to that family

I had planned to leave forever?

I rest my forehead on your wounded feet

I dare not look up at your glowing face

Please, my dear God, please care

Please care as you care for your brides

I tried. 

Maybe not hard enough

Maybe not really

But I tried

I made the sacrifice for a bit

Maybe not long enough

Maybe not forever

It could be,

I failed

That I was meant

To carry on

To say ‘yes’

Instead of ‘no’

Oh, dear God, please

I beg of You

I want You

I need You

Please still care.

----

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