Discerning God's Will (with a poem)

A Reflection and Poem

By Cara Ruegg

This is incredibly personal and I hesitated putting it up, but I am sure many can relate to it and perhaps be encouraged that they are not alone.

There are times that God seems far away. There are times the soul feels such darkness it is as if it were in a haze; suddenly, nothing is clear even what was once so very clear she thought she'd never doubt it.

When I was in the convent, deciphering God's will for me, I felt keenly this very cross. I had been there for nearly three years and had wanted so much to keep to my commitment and be His, entirely His as I had said I would, but as vows approached, I was suddenly not so sure anymore about anything. I craved a family of my own, a little child. I noticed my other Sisters didn't have the same yearning as strongly as me. Of course, they were human and did want such a thing, but they seemed to accept the prospect of not having a child of their own much easier than I could, taking comfort in the thought of the many spiritual children they would have. I couldn't accept it so easily. Before, I could, but as vows approached that sacrifice suddenly seemed almost unbearable to me and I began to feel incredibly restless. Was God telling me something? Was this no longer His will for me?

I dreaded the thought of leaving as much as I dreaded the thought of staying and having to give up forever a family of my own. It seemed so hard to choose. I just wished my superiors would send me away and make the choice easier for me, but they never once pulled me aside to say, "Leave." They wanted me there. They thought I was a good member to their spiritual family, they let me cry on their shoulders when it all seemed too much.

In the end, I did leave, after much prayer and reflection and some help from my spiritual director. I remember sitting in the chapel, looking at the tabernacle, and finally feeling this peace. It felt like nothing, really. There was no bright light or fuzzy feeling, I just finally felt at rest, which was quite a relief after such a long period of dryness and aridity and darkness. I knew then that I could make my decision. I didn't feel I could before, being so restless. I thought maybe my want to leave was just an escape, me choosing the easier way out just because it was hard. When peace came, I reflected that God alone could satisfy me; that was clear as day to me then. However, there was some sort of inner conviction that God wanted me to move on elsewhere. I wasn't certain of it. I even left with the pretext that I might be back. Mother said the doors were always open if I decided to return.

This poem below was written during a time of wavering and uncertainty. I thought maybe it could comfort someone who also is experiencing such a time.

God is always in control. I do not regret the time I spent in the convent. It was not wasted. It gave me a foundation I may not have gotten otherwise. I am blessed. And those Sisters were so full of joy, it was contagious and I greatly enjoyed their simplicity and kindness. I saw clearly how beautiful of a life it is to be a Sister, a bride of Christ, and I hope to possibly be able to foster a vocation in my future children, God willing.

I breathe the wind

Into swollen lungs

Red eyes blink

And all is gone.

It disappears

At least for a moment

Standing at the crossroads

Nervous and trembling

Do I even want anything?

There is no silent conviction

There is no conviction at all

There is nothing

My heart is torn

It is broken

It cannot decide

To be loved

In a special way

By a person I can see

And hear and touch

It seems much more real

Even if it’s not

Even if it’s in fact false

A fickle thing

This love of humans

Changes like the wind

God is eternal

His love infinite

And He gives me Himself

He gives me everything

Where is my gratitude?

The ground beneath my feet

Is hard

The grass cannot be seen

Under this dirt

What do I want?

Nothing

And everything

At once

The world’s vanities

Make me shrink

But so does the cross

Of my Jesus

Covered in blood

And I want to be brave

I want to give Him everything

All of me

Not counting the cost

But I’m a coward

And I stand here

At the crossroads

Wavering

“Dear God”

He seems far away

Gone

I once felt His peace

Such a wonderful calm

There is nothing now

I am numb

The little children huddle around me

But do they really care?

In the end, they go home

And I’m not ever there.

My Sisters laugh and joke

But still a barrier I hold

My heart can’t get attached

Not to a human soul

I want a shoulder to cry on

A friend to wipe my tears

I want to be loved by someone

But I am here

Before a silent God

Who I know is before me

But who I cannot see

And cannot hear

And cannot feel

At all.

The romance of the cross

Should be enough

It should be all

But the crucifix

On the wall

Is motionless

He beckoned me

And I responded

I said, “Yes,

I’d follow His call”

Now here He is

Silent

I’ve crossed the ocean

I’ve left behind my home

I let myself be forgotten

Erased from memories of loved ones

Affections have gone cold

They have changed, gone old

But I am here, frozen

I still care…too much

And they don’t know.

I cannot tell them. 

And will I be happy

In the world?

I cannot see over this picket fence

And do not know

If there is any grass there at all.

And can I give up the treasure

Of a baby I can call my own

Tiny hands and soft feet

Eyes that look like my own?

For God. For God. For God.

How dry and tasteless

I feel

Shattered in a silent way

No tears

No pain

I’m just not happy

Waves aren’t crashing

All about me

I cannot even cry.

“Dear, God,

I want Your will

Not mine”