Broken Families. Broken Children. Broken Society.
By Cara Ruegg
The family is the first society a child will know and it is what will mold the child. The problem nowadays is that this tiny society is under attack, and because of this vicious attack on the family, children are coming out of the ashes broken, confused, and very insecure. This obviously impacts society as a whole because we then have broken citizens! Yes, of course, the child could break the cycle, they could learn from the mistakes of their parents and come out strong and courageous, but that requires a lot of determination and probably another role model in their life to set the example of what love and commitment looks like. These parents who divorce, or who have entered into unhappy marriages, are actually crippling their children. The child goes away then wondering if they will ever be loved because their dad didn’t love their mom, or their mom didn’t love their dad; they enter relationships, insecure from the start, expecting at any moment to be left like the drop of a hat. They may grow up with commitment issues because they didn’t grow up with role models showing them what true commitment looks like, what that sticking it out through better or worse out of love means. And so, more often than not, the cycle continues. If Mom married an abuser, oftentimes her daughter will follow her tracks; if Dad left Mom because something better came along, his son will likely do the same. Not always, it’s true. Sometimes they learn from their parent’s mistakes, but sometimes not, because an abuser for a father is all this girl knows; a disloyal coward is what this boy has been taught to imitate from the earliest of his years.
Why Divorce Usually Happens
People nowadays define love by emotions, and not by an act of the will, which is why we have so many failing marriages since soon as your hormones act up, you get sick, stressed, overwhelmed with life, and these lovey-dovey feelings disappear, you decide you are no longer in love and leave. People do not know what love is anymore. They think it is all about them, that love means they’re always going to be happy, that it’s about the passions. They don’t realize that true love is selfless. True love is sacrificial. You are not always going to feel those lovey-dovey feelings. You would think people would grow up and realize this after their teenage years are over, but sadly so many don’t, hence the crazy divorce rates! Looking at the USA, half of married couples divorce. Half! That means, according to such statistics, most have about 50% chance of a successful marriage. (https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/) That’s absolutely insane. And to think of all those children growing up in this divide, one week at mom’s, one week at dad’s, not even having a place to properly call home. Or, before the divorce happens as well as after, seeing mom and dad fight, hearing the screams. Such a madhouse would likely develop at the very least unrest in the child, and likely anxiety and depression as well.
The Divorce Cycle
In many cases, divorce begets divorce. Just like alcoholism runs in families, so does divorce. This is also known among physiologists and other experts as the divorce cycle. In Nicholas Wolfinger’s book: Understanding the Divorce Cycle: The Children of Divorce in their Own Marriages, he states that the continuation of the cycle lies primarily in the lessons children learn, or more correctly put do not learn, about marital commitment (Wolfinger, pg 11). He also pointed out that, according to some studies, it was shown that children whose parents fought regularly did not have high divorce rates themselves compared to those whose parents divorced. The reason why is apparent enough: it’s because those children whose parents stuck it out despite hardships were taught to persevere in their marriage (Wolfinger, pg 27). This isn’t to say, however, that I believe people in abusive relationships shouldn’t leave, far from it! That comes with it’s own source of problems and side effects, but there’s a difference of course between arguing and abuse. Of course, this whole article, is talking in general anyway. Case by case of course changes things.
Children that come from a household where mom and dad are divorced are at a disadvantage in many ways compared to those who come from happy homes, where mom and dad love each other. And one thing that threatens children from divorced homes the most is the likelihood of them repeating their parent’s mistakes.
The Importance of a Good Marriage
More care needs to be taken in choosing someone to marry. So many marry based on fleeting emotions, the whim of a moment, out of desperation, or because of some sort of pressure. A longer courtship does not eliminate this possibility; in fact, if you are with someone for a long time, you might likely marry them solely to settle and not because of any real love, but mostly because you have been in this relationship for so long that to date someone else seems like a foreign concept and there is a certain fear to walk away or, perhaps, you feel you owe it to the person you’re with to marry them because of how long you’ve been together.
Before you marry, you need to know yourself, know what you want, and also know what your children need. So many completely forget about their children, but that honestly was probably the thought that saved me from committing myself in marriage to the majority of men I knew I shouldn’t commit myself to. It was easy for me brush aside a mixed marriage when I only took myself into consideration. I stupidly told myself my faith was strong enough and I would be fine, but what stopped me was my children. Could I put their souls at risk? They didn’t have the foundation I had. Could I jeopardize their salvation? And that would end those silly musings.
Before you marry you need to make sure you both understand what your vows entail and what you are promising. You need to make sure you have the same principles and ideals. You need to discuss how you plan to raise a family, what you will not compromise on, and what things are the most important to you. Things like superficial common interests and sharing hobbies are of very little importance compared to the big things such as your Faith, how you plan to raise children, and your principles. If you do not have those things in common with the person you are considering marrying, you really should reconsider. Your soul and the souls of your children should be prioritized over any kind of gratification of your emotions.
The heartache of breaking up with someone who is not going to be a good spouse and parent will be much less than the heartache that comes with a bad marriage.
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