A lot of people looking into my relationship thought that I’d be in for a big surprise when I got married, reminding me that the daily chore of living together day in and day out with someone would bring out all of their flaws and that I had no idea what I was getting into since our courtship was so short (a little bit over a year, most of that long distance and four months or so of it with me uninterested). So far, I haven’t found that too terribly true. Not saying we both don’t have our flaws, but I saw his flaws a mile away and got a feel for them after date #3. Granted, we were both over the age of twenty-five so maybe that helped and he wasn’t the first man I dated, so that may have helped too since I knew the “warning signs” to look out for, we also didn’t get swept up in emotions initially (especially with it starting out completely platonic at first on my end) so there wasn’t any major blinders on that would’ve blurred serious red flags, and we prayerfully discerned before entering into things (even if that prayerful discernment was very, very short, we were still open to God’s will and listening to our spiritual director), and we also endured an engagement full of crosses that really would’ve broken a lot of couples (some of the same crosses I endured with my now-husband were crosses that destroyed other previous relationships I had been in); in the end, though, these crosses only served to prove our love, strengthen my trust in him, and bind us closer together, so, all this being said, in some ways I suppose we aren’t exactly the norm.
Still, I wanted to write a blogpost about entering from the engagement-phase to the married-phase and the changes that may occur, even if I am not the most qualified since we haven’t been married terribly long and also because, well, judging by some things other people were warning me about so far not coming to be makes me wonder if we’re just simply not normal because, honestly, I can’t see the romance ever wearing off nor do I think it ever should, nor do I at all regret my decision or realize that I didn’t, in fact, know him because, well, so far I have not been surprised. I mean, sure, he’s been quite a heroic husband at times and has proven to be a strong leader of our small family, but none of that surprises me. All of his flaws, all of his good qualities as well — I saw them while we were courting; I saw them even before we met in person. I knew what I was getting into and nothing has taken me by surprise thus far. Sure, both good and bad may be magnified a bit more now that we see more of each other, but it was nothing I wasn’t expecting, and I only grow to love him more and more every day.
We did enter into marriage with some crosses awaiting us such as dealing with immigration (which is really quite a nightmare!), as well as being a bit financially tight, but I am actually grateful for having to pinch pennies and struggle with him in this beginning phase. I know it is bringing us closer together. We’ve been working as a team to manage the money. We both ask each other permission if we want to buy anything outside of the norm. We are completely open with each other. When he is down, I am his crutch; when I am down, he is mine. So many people are terrified of entering into marriage without a house, two cars, and an annual pay of 100k, as if ten kids are going to come all at once. I am so glad we didn’t wait till we were rich and both successful; that would’ve been a lot of years wasted and a lot of dreams chased apart. I must say, one of my favorite things is struggling together to reach the stars, working together for our dreams.
As human beings, there’s a deep feeling of satisfaction when you can share your feelings and experiences. When you’re with a group of friends and you spot a beautiful sunset, you point it out to them and, when they see it, there’s a feeling of satisfaction because you shared with them this beautiful thing you saw. It’s not as satisfying if you saw it by yourself and had no way of sharing the experience, at least not as far as I see it. I love having my husband here to rejoice with when things go well. We hug, we toast, we do happy-dances (or I do happy dances, and he gives me funny faces), but, regardless, we get to share each other’s joy. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to hear him get a job offer, or even just called in for an interview. One time, I started running around our tiny apartment in excitement; when he asked what on earth I was doing, I told him I was excited for him. He laughed. But, honestly, these little joys, these little triumphs, I love being able to share them with him.
There is a memory I will forever treasure, a memory I may not have if we had started out with a house and large annual income. We were there, sitting on the couch, and he was feeling down and stuck between two major decisions. I sat with him and we talked about it, the pros, the cons, all of our obstacles. I asked if he regretted marrying me and he laughed and told me he would still have this cross with or without me; at least this way he didn’t have to carry it alone. Then we brainstormed and came to a conclusion. Because we started out not dirt poor with no roof over our head, but not with everything, we got to solve problems and build a future together, so I really don’t regret marrying him when I did. I trusted him. I knew he was capable, intelligent, and hardworking, so I wasn’t worried. Maybe I would’ve been worried if he proved lazy or lacked ambition, but he didn’t. I don’t regret anything at all. In fact, I wish I had said those vows a whole lot sooner. The happiness married life brings is greater than I ever imagined. There is a peace that often comes when it is God’s will, a sense of purpose and completeness, if you will.
I’m not saying married life isn’t sometimes hard; it is. Not saying we always get along and it’s always roses and sunshine, but it has to be a little hard. As Sr. Lucia said, the attack today is on marriage. This path is a path that is supposed to make us saints and bring us to heaven, so of course there will be difficulties. No story of any saint leaves out a trail of suffering. There are going to be crosses in this life, especially if we are doing God’s will. The thing is, if we are doing God’s will, those crosses, those splinters digging into our skin, will be mingled with the love that makes all suffering worth it and sometimes hardly noticeable at all.
4.5 years into our marriage and 3 children later and still waiting for disillusion 😂 we have been blessed. So many couples struggle.
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