For Richer, for Poorer: How Hardships and Poverty can Benefit your Marriage

For Richer, for Poorer: How Hardships and Poverty can Benefit your Marriage

By Cara E. Ruegg

image found here

A lot of friends, acquaintances, and some strangers too were very concerned that my husband and I planned on marrying when we weren’t too financially secure, with him working part-time and studying full-time. They talked to me about how my marriage would fall to pieces before it even begun because the stress would be too much, how I’d starve, how this was a cruel thing for me to consider with a child looming in the future (even though his planned graduation was 8 months away from our marriage date). When I told my family though, they had the opposite reaction: nonchalance. Oh, so you’re going to struggle a little bit? Oh, so you’re starting out with scraps. Well, when I married your grandpa… and then the story of true poverty, starting out with nothing in a foreign country came out. I suppose, this is what you get being second generation American. 

So, I didn’t receive much pity from my family; I also didn’t receive much doubt. They had confidence in me and in the man I chose to be my husband. They trusted my judgment or, at the very least, never suggested otherwise. I come from a bloodline of strong characters, so no surprise I’d raise up a wall whenever contrary opinions that we couldn’t make this work came rushing in because I knew we could make it. Who knew me better than my family, after all? And who knew better than people who suffered similar struggles in their marriage? So many people who were suggesting this stress would destroy our marriage were people who never even experienced it themselves, and mostly people who weren’t even married.

Most people in this day in age that wait till financially secure to marry end up having way less kids because money and "comfort" is their priority, when really it shouldn't be. I have found struggling financially with my husband helps teach me detachment from worldly possessions and helps me focus on the spiritual and on things that really matter. We really need Catholic families who are generous and open to life and have confidence in Providence. I have yet to be disappointed. Seriously, just when I think things are looking gloomy, God and St. Joseph pull through and we have yet to be unable to pay rent or any of the essentials. My husband is also hardworking, ambitious, intelligent and willing to make any sacrifices for his family, so, no surprise he’s been doing all it takes to support us and ensure that I am still able to stay at home with no need of work (granted, I can’t work here legally anyway still dealing with the costly immigration process, but if he can pull this off now, then I have no doubt later down the line when children come into the picture, he will still be able to pull it off). 

Because we have had to deal with this financial difficulty, we have been forced to be very open with each other about everything. I don't just go to the store down the street on a whim or buy a pretty $15 dress on Amazon all by myself anymore; now, I find myself going to my husband and asking his permission for every single purchase that is out of the ordinary, and he does the same, and we discuss together what we can and cannot afford and respect each other's decision on the matter and we both obey each other's "no". This transparency and co-dependence has really strengthened our relationship and built the foundation of trust as well. So many couples neglect to tell their spouses things, even things that are very important. We don't neglect telling each other about almost anything even the most mundane! This practice also helps us grow in virtue in the realm of obedience, humility, and charity; dealing with these trials also teaches patience. So, all in all, it's a great learning experience and paves way for sanctification if you let it. 

You can get by on very little if you just live within your means and do a little budgeting. Ten kids won’t come all at once, either, and a child isn’t even that expensive, especially if you choose to breastfeed and resort to thrift shopping for baby clothes, and especially if you don’t send the child to daycare, which can cost around 12,000 or more a year in some states. 

I also disagree that money is what destroys marriage. It isn’t the lack of money, it is the selfishness of the individuals. Maybe it’s a husband not pulling his weight, gambling away the paycheck or whatever else, but that’s not really a money issue, that’s a virtue issue. Maybe it’s a lack of ambition or laziness, but again, not a money issue, but a character flaw.

In a marriage, so often it’s about your outlook. You choose to let financial trials ruin your marriage; it’s a choice. Just like you can choose whether or not to embrace your cross. If you reject it, you’ll still get a cross, but then it’ll just be that much harder to carry. Same goes in marriage. You can let this financial stress weigh you down and cause you to basically bite your spouse’s head off, hold a grudge or do the blaming game, or you could embrace this cross together with your spouse, share the weight of it, and thus be all the more united. I actually believe sharing this cross with my husband is strengthening our bond and purifying our love. 

One thing that is important before marriage is to assess if you both have the same values and ideas on how to raise a family, and more or less are in the same boat about how you are going to manage home life and all that it entails (which includes finances). Msgr. George A. Kelly says in his book: Dating for Young Catholics, “A husband and wife ought to have the same general ideas about money, otherwise, they’ll probably have difficulty. One couple have a free and easy attitude about their income. They can get into debt up to their necks without being bothered in the least. Another couple consider it a disgrace if they owe a cent. Both couples are happily married, because in each case the husband and wife agree on this matter.” So, it’s not the money or lack thereof itself that is a problem for marriages, but, rather major difference of opinion on the matter. And, just like he says, “Serious money problems in marriage usually are the symptoms of other difficulties.”

So, money will not make or break your marriage. If it does, there’s an underlying more serious issue at play. And, yes, you do want to marry a man who is capable of earning a decent amount of money in order to support you. You shouldn’t want to marry a bum who lives in his parent’s basement who prioritizes video games over actual hard work. But you can typically assess a man’s ability and character other ways than seeing his paycheck. And it’s good to note that too much focus on the financial aspect in marriage is actually quite superficial. You should not marry a man who will put you on the streets, but you shouldn’t marry a rich man either solely because he is rich and can support you. As cliche as it sounds, you should marry for love, and not love in the sense of hollywood, but true love. You should marry a man who will help you become a saint.