Why You Shouldn't Surround Yourself with those who Put Down Your Spouse

By Cara E. Ruegg

 

Photo by Kimber Lee Photography from VA

"Both man and wife have need of a spiritual life to succeed in their own individual part and to sustain the effects on them of failure by their partner. Both men and women tend to live their life before a “gallery”—a small group of acquaintances—before whom they play their part, whose applause and whose approval they seek, by whom they are swayed and influenced...This is especially true with regard to the wife. There is no greater enemy of married happiness than the wife’s women friends. Unless she is a woman of character and of spirituality, she dresses for them, she lives for their applause, she learns from them, and takes her thoughts and her ideals from them. It would be hard to exaggerate the possibility of harm that can come from such a source." - Fr. Eugene Boylan.

Father Eugene Boylan speaks truth above. I've seen many relationships fall apart because of pressure from outsiders whether it be family, friends, or strangers. I've heard wives gossip with their girlfriends and put down their husband, make condescending remarks about his deficiencies, and I am sure the same is done by the husbands as well. No wonder marriage is at such risk! Even in Catholic circles, the worldly influence is obvious.

"You guys are really financially distraught. Why continue to have kids? Have you looked into birth control?”

"I would never put up with such a man, myself. Your husband sounds like such a weakling!”

“Wow. Do you really make all of these decisions based on what your husband says? Can you really trust his judgement? You went to school longer than he did.”

Such remarks are said without even much thought and whose business is it to make them? The husband is the head, the leader, and these people with their remarks are actually infiltrating this little society of the family like wolves in sheepskin and threatening its destruction.

It is true, some guidance outside the family circle is at times necessarily sought or given, but it should be from a person who knows both parties, knows both sides of the story, and has a clear picture of the situation at hand, not somebody overly biased or whose interest is not in the good of the married couple. What is objectively a sin should certainly be corrected too, but why go about with unsolicited advice toward something which is not even actually sinful?

Even during the courting stage, one should be on guard for these sort of things. A good, Catholic woman should not stand to hear someone cut down the man she loves, nor should a good, Catholic man stand to hear his woman cut down even in jest by his friends. They both should strive to protect each other’s good names, integrity, and honor.

When St. Ignatius talks about the discernment of the spirits he emphasizes that God gives peace to the soul, whereas the evil spirit disturbs it (Text of the Rules of St. Ignatius). Now, it is true that some advice, which is hard to hear because of our pride, may indeed unsettle us, but it is also true that some advice is hard to hear because it is not from God. When you are engaging in gossip, talking smack about your neighbor, your curiosity may be piqued and your pride fed because you feel “superior”, but once the conversation finishes, there will likely be no feeling of peace. Also good to note, people love to clothe their “gossip” with good intentions, just as people love to excuse their sins. This can also be applied to those who offer unsolicited advice. Some people are genuinely trying to help, others merely claim they are trying to help, but are really only trying to prove that their way is the right way in order to satisfy their pride.

For instance, let’s imagine there are two women seated at the table. One is newly engaged to be married. The other disagrees with this woman’s choice and thinks it’s unwise because it is not how she would have gone about it. She would have gotten a degree and settled herself in a job first, whereas her engaged friend is completely lacking in any sort of title or degree. Now, marrying without a degree is not a sin. Yes, her friend could argue that it’s imprudent because, well, what if a sudden illness befell her husband and forced her to be the breadwinner of the family, as well as a numerous other hypothetical situations, none of which may even happen at least not to such a detrimental degree. These people often forget Providence. To lecture her friend about marrying an abusive man or even a man who severely lacks his faith is a whole other factor, but to lecture and impose advice on a friend regarding something which is not objectively sinful and which may not even impact her life negatively at all is totally different and out of her rights.

Such advice-giving usually does more harm than good, in particular if the couple is married since a courtship which falls apart due to outside influence is a whole lot less of a detriment than a marriage that falls apart. This being said, however, courtship paves the way for marriage. The couple that respects each other and strives for a chaste relationship, generally has a better marriage than the couple that disrespected each other during courtship (unless serious reparation has been made). Likewise, the couple that lets outside influence darken their view of their significant other and cause strain on their relationship is in for a rude awakening in marriage if they do not put a stop to it.

The woman should respect and obey the man she is with before the marriage as well as after, just as the man ought to strive to love the woman he is courting with the same sacrificial love wherewith Christ loved His Church even before she is officially his wife. Of course, the sacramental graces given after marriage will greatly benefit the couple to help them all the more perfectly fulfill such God-given commandments, but, regardless, they should still be striving to fulfill them even when still in the preparation stages.

Now, a woman who is truly striving to respect her husband or future husband, will not allow any influence which tempts her to disrespect him, look down on him, think poorly of him. What decreases charity is not from God. I’m talking true charity, here, though, not a blind kind of love which refuses to see truly sinful habits in the other. If somebody points out to the girl a truly sinful fault of the one she is about to marry (within reason) that will obviously make the marriage a hard one for spiritual reasons, then, like I said above, that is totally different, but somebody who points out something to her that suggests he lacks some kind of worldly allure; doesn’t make enough money, perhaps; isn’t intelligent enough; isn’t attractive enough; isn’t “fun” enough, those sort of things are uncalled for and they are temptations against charity. They tempt the wife or wife-to-be to distrust the man she is with, ultimately to lose respect for him. This rule also applies to men and tempts them to lessen their love and admiration for the woman they are with. Therefore, both must be on guard. While, these “friends” or family members may claim to be speaking out of “genuine concern”, they must not be listened to if their “advice” in any way proves a temptation to break the commandment God gave husband and wife and thereby threatens charity.

We are all probably guilty of offering unsolicited advice, of course. Our weak, fallen human nature makes us prone to rash judgment and a lack of charity. We see a short courtship, and we deem it “imprudent” and eagerly wait to hear it proved a failure; we tell one or both parties our thoughts and grow agitated and angry when they refuse to agree we are right. We see two very different people begin to date that we don’t think are well suited; we tell them we think their personalities clash; that he’s too loud and she’s too quiet and list all the reasons the marriage could prove a failure, and then wait on the edge of our seats for the news: “they broke up”. We see someone courting somebody that we deem lacking in physical beauty, and we wonder why on earth they chose to be with them; we tell them “look, you’re way too attractive to be with that person. What are you doing settling? Are you desperate?”.

With the above examples mentioned, we would do well each time we are tempted to offer advice to examine what are motives are. If, in the case of the short courtship mentioned above, we find that the failure of it would fill us with a proud satisfaction, we would do well to double-check our motives. True charity wants the good of the other. To wish a courtship to fall in ruin that may seem imprudent to us because of its duration but is, otherwise, good, chaste, and God-centered is against charity. Why should we want the unhappiness of some friend we claim to love simply because they are doing things in a way we wouldn’t? Another thing to consider is, what right do we really have to offer advice? Are we the priest conducting marriage classes? Are we one of the parties about to take such obligations on our shoulders? Do we even know the full story? Have we even personally met and gotten to know both parties well? 

The devil does not want good, Catholic families. He will do all he can to prevent their union or destroy their marriage. Sometimes these “well intentioned” individuals are tools the devil uses to, at the very least, disrupt the peace of those preparing for marriage or those already married and, at worst, turn the parties against each other. We need to be on guard as those in the relationship, as well as those outside of it. If a wife turns to us to gossip about her husband, we must remind her of her duty to love and respect him. If a husband turns to us to complain about his wife, we must remind him to love her as Christ loves the Church. And, if married ourselves, we must be on guard against any negative influencers who will threaten our union.